Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories

Zebah, Zalmunna, Kings of Midian. For crimes, executed by Gideon. Portia: Judges 8:21: "Gideon proceeded to kill Zebah and Zalmunna; and he took the crescents that were on the necks of their camels." Thomas: Zebah and Zalmunna are illustrated in the style of Sweet Publishing, which were used in Sunday School lessons when I was a child. .

Y is Yehoash of Jewish royl'ty. Killed by his servants... So much for loyl-ty. Portia: The servants of King Yehoash "devised a conspiracy, and killed [him] in the house of Millo, on the way that goes down to Silla.   It was Jozacar son of Shimeath and Jehozabad son of Shomer, his servants, who struck him down, so that he died" (2 Kings 12:19-20). English Bibles will likely refer to the king as Jehoash or simply Joash.   Thomas: The illustration in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories is meant to resemble a hallway in the Haunted Mansion, a popular attraction at Disneyland and other Disney parks.

X is King Xerxes, of Persia nation. The cause of his death? Assassination. Portia: Scholars believe that King Ashasuerus of the book of Esther is Xerxes the Great. Xerxes the Great, along with the xylophone and the x-ray fish, is a favorite subject of alphabet books, as words that begin with "x" are uncommon in English. Conveniently for me, scholars believe that the King Ashasuerus mentioned in the book of Esther is Xerxes the Great. Like Roman Emperor Tiberius, Xerxes' assassination is not recorded in the Bible, but is attested to in other ancient sources. Thomas: Long before I knew the story of Esther, I knew of Xerxes from Edward Lear's Nonsense Alphabet Number 2: " X was once a great king Xerxes, Xerxy, Perxy, Turxy, Xerxy, Linxy, lurxy, Great King Xerxes!"  Both Xerxes and his assassin are based on illustrations in Lear's books.

Warlocks and wizards and witches are "W." Stone them all to death, should they trouble you. Portia: Exodus 22:18 says, " Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" (KJV).  Also forbidden:  " any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch.   Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer" (Deuteronomy 18:10-11 KJV).  Despite the Bible's prohibitions against warlocks, wizards, and witches, there are a number of stories about them: Simon Magus (Acts 8), the Witch of Endor (1 Samuel 28), and Elymas (Acts 13). Thomas: The illustration in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories is a collection of posters styled after posters seen in the Harry Potter films.

V is Vaizatha and all his brothers. Too bad they could not play well with others. Portia: Parshandatha, Dalphon, Aspatha,  Poratha, Adalia, Aridatha,  Parmashta, Arisai, Aridai, and  Vaizatha are the ten sons of Haman (see H is for Haman) listed in Esther 9.  They also were hanged on the gallows.  Like father, like sons.   Thomas: S ince we already had a gallows illustration in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories,  we went with an alternate translation of the story: Haman and sons were impaled on stakes, as in the New Living Translation.  This gory illustration is done in the style of "flannel-graph" Sunday School pictures.    

U's for Uzzah, who manhandled the Ark. When the Lord smote him, oh boy, did he spark! Portia: When the Ark of the Covenant was being transported, the unfortunate Uzzah "reached out his hand to the ark of God and took hold of it, for the oxen shook it. The anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzzah; and God struck him there because he reached out his hand to the ark; and he died there beside the ark of God" (2 Samuel 6:3). In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and Sallah lift the Ark with long poles to avoid touching it, hoping to avoid the fate that Uzzah faced. Thomas: The painting in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories is a self-portrait. I photographed myself in costume with a model Ark of the Covenant found in the church basement. I used the photograph as reference for the painting. Uzzah's melting face is a nod to the aforementioned Raiders.

T is for Roman Emperor Tiberius. Was smothered to death. (Yes, we're serious.) Portia: We bent the rules on this one. While Tiberius is mentioned in the Gospel of Luke chapter 3 ( In the fifteenth year of the reign of Emperor  Tiberius , when Pontius Pilate was governor of Judea, and Herod was ruler of Galilee, and his brother Philip ruler of the region of Ituraea and Trachonitis, and Lysanias ruler of Abilene,  2 during the high priesthood of Annas and Caiaphas...) his death is not.  Various sources do say smothering was a cause of death.   Thomas: This illustration is meant to evoke the old horror comics of yesteryear. Tiberius' likeness is based on a bust.

S is Sisera, killed by Heber's wife. A peg in his skull cost him his life. Portia: Sisera was the commander of the army of the Canaanite King Jabin. After Siser's army was destroyed, Sisera " fled away on foot to the tent o f  Jael  wife of Heber the Kenite; for there was peace between King Jabin of Hazor and the clan of Heber the Kenite.   Jael  came out to meet Sisera, and said to him, "Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; have no fear." So he turned aside to her into the tent, and she covered him with a rug.   Then he said to her, "Please give me a little water to drink; for I am thirsty." So she opened a skin of milk and gave him a drink and covered him.   He said to her, "Stand at the entrance of the tent, and if anybody comes and asks you, 'Is anyone here?' say, 'No.'"    But  Jael  wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple, until...

R is King Rezin, killed in Damascus by Tiglath Pileser. Gross, if you ask us. Portia: " King  Rezin  of Aram and King Pekah son of Remaliah of Israel came up to wage war on Jerusalem; they besieged [King Ahaz of Judah] but could not conquer him.   At that time the king of Edom recovered Elath for Edom, and drove the Judeans from Elath; and the Edomites came to Elath, where they live to this day.   Ahaz sent messengers to King Tiglath- pileser of Assyria, saying, "I am your servant and your son. Come up, and rescue me from the hand of the king of Aram and from the hand of the king of Israel, who are attacking me."   Ahaz also took the silver and gold found in the house of the LORD and in the treasures of the king's house, and sent a present to the king of Assyria.   The king of Assyria listened to him; the king of Assyria marched up against Damascus, and took it, carrying its people captive to Kir; then he killed  Rezin" (2 Ki...

Q. From her window, Queen Jezebel "fell." Her body trampled, her soul went to hell. Portia: Here's a fun word: defenestration. It means "to throw someone out a window." Queen Jezebel was assassinated by defenestration, perhaps our most gruesome story thus far: "When Jehu came to Jezreel,  Jezebel  heard of it; she painted her eyes, and adorned her head, and looked out of the window. As Jehu entered the gate, she said, 'Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?' He looked up to the window and said, 'Who is on my side? Who?' Two or three eunuchs looked out at him. He said, 'Throw her down.' So they threw her down; some of her blood spattered on the wall and on the horses, which trampled on her. Then he went in and ate and drank; he said, 'See to that cursed woman and bury her; for she is a king's daughter.'   But when they went to bury her, they found no more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms...

P is for Pharaoh, King of Egypt crowned. While chasing Moses through the sea, he drowned. Portia: Just as there are a number of King Herods in the New Testament, there are a number of Pharaohs in the Old Testament. The Pharaoh in this rhyme is the "Pharaoh of the Exodus." After Moses and the Israelites crossed the Sea with Pharaoh and his army following behind, "the waters returned and covered the chariots and the chariot drivers, the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed them into the sea; not one of them remained" (Exodus 14:28). Thomas: This is one of my favorite illustrations in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories. The style is ancient Egyptian art.

O is for Og, the high King of Bashan. In death--as in life--a very tall man. Portia: While wandering in the wilderness, Moses and the Israelites turned and went up the road to Bashan; and King Og of Bashan came out against them, he and all his people, to battle at Edrei. But the Lord said to Moses, 'Do not be afraid of him; for I have given him into your hand, with all his people, and all his land. You shall do to him as you did to King Sihon of the Amorites, who ruled in Heshbon.' So they killed him, his sons, and all his people, until there was no survivor left; and they took possession of this land" (Numbers 21:33-35). Deuteronomy 3 notes that King Og was of the remnant of the Rephaim, a word which may be translated as "giants." Og's bed, "an iron bed, can still be seen in Rabbah of the Ammonites. By the common cubit it is nine cubits long and four cubits wide (v. 11). Some translations, like the Contemporary English Version, translate ...

N is for Nabal, that surly hothead. When his heart failed him, he fell down stone dead. Portia: First Samuel 25 tells the story of rich Nabal and his wife Abagail: "The woman was clever and beautiful, but the man was surly and mean" (v. 3). Nabal offended King David, but Abigail intervened and turned away David's anger. Then, "Abigail came to Nabal; he was holding a feast in his house, like the feast of a king. Nabal's heart was very merry within him, for he was very drunk; so she told him nothing at all until the morning light. In the morning, when the wine had gone out of Nabal, his wife told him these things, and his heart died within him; he became like a stone. About ten days later the Lord struck Nabal, and he died" (vv. 36 to 38). After Nabal's death, David took Abigail as one of his wives. Thomas: At first I attempted to carve a Nabal from plaster, but in the end it was better to sculpt him from polymer clay. When polymer clay is...

M is for Mattan. He was a priest, y'all. Killed 'fore the altar of false god Ba'al. Portia: Jehoiada was a priest who "made a covenant between the Lord and the king and people, that they should be the Lord's people" (2 Kings 11:17). Afterward, "all the people fo the land went to the house of Baal, and tore it down; his altars and his images they broke in pieces, and they killed Mattan, the priest of Baal, before the altars (v. 18). Thomas: 2 Kings does not say exactly how Mattan was killed. My artistic license says when the people tore the house of Baal down and broke his images, Mattan was killed by a falling piece of idol.

L is for Lot's Wife who's turned into salt. Upon looking back, it was her own fault. Portia: Despite a warning from angels, Lot's wife disobeyed and looked back. When "the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from heaven... he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground. But Lot's wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt" (Genesis 19:24-26, paraphrased). Thomas: In Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories, the drawing of Lot's wife is appropriately based on a caryatid, a sculpture of a robed woman that serves as a pillar or column in Greek-style architecture. With the passage of times, often the figures limbs were broken off. Intact caryatids can be seen at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.

K. The earth opened and swallowed Korah . His tragic story is found in Torah. Portia: Because they rebelled against God's servant Moses, Korah, Dathan, and Abiram were punished. " The earth opened its mouth and swallowed them up, along with their households--everyone who belonged to Korah and all their goods. So they with all that belonged to them went down alive into Sheol; the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly." The story is in the Torah, the first five books of the Bible, in Numbers 16:31-33. Thomas: In this "Where's Waldo" tribute, can you find Moses, Korah, a vulture, a palm tree, a lost sheep, a rock, another rock, and rock, paper, scissors?

J. Joab, who heard Benaiah cackle before he was slain in the Tabernacle. Portia: Amid the political intrigue of King David's and King Solomon's courts is the story of Joab and Benaiah: "Solomon sent Benaiah son of Jehoiada, saying, 'Go, strike Joab down.' So Benaiah came to the tent of the Lord and said to him, 'The king commands, "Come out." But he said, 'No, I will die here.' Then Benaiah brought the king word again, saying, 'Thus said Joab, and thus he answered me.' The king replied to him, 'Do as he has said, strike him down and bury him; and thus take away from me and from my father's house the guilt for the blood that Joab shed without cause.'" Portia: The cartoon which accompanies this story in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories is an homage to the Family Circus comic strip. In the strip, writer/artist Bil Keane used dotted lines to trace the travels and activity of the children in the family. Ther...

I is for Iscariot, Judas' surname. In a field he fell, and out his bowels came. Portia: Judas, son of Simon Iscariot, was one of Jesus' twelve apostles. Judas "went to the chief priests and said, 'What will you give me if I betray him to you?' They paid him thirty pieces of silver. And from that moment he began to look for an opportunity to betray him (Matthew 26:14-16). After the Last Supper, Jesus prayed at Gethsemane. When Judas arrived, "with him was a large crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had given them a sign, saying 'The one I will kiss is the man; arrest him.' At once he came up to Jesus and said, 'Greetings, Rabbi!' and kissed him. Jesus said to him, 'Friend, do what you are here to do.' Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and arrested him (47-50). For his betrayal of Jesus, it seems Judas died not just once, but twice, in two different w...

H is for Haman, favored by the King. When his standing fell, from gallows he'd swing. Portia: Haman is the villain in the story of Esther. Haman prepares gallows in a plot to rid the world of Esther's cousin Mordecai, but when Haman's duplicity is revealed, another servant of the King remarks,"The very gallows that Haman has prepared for Mordecai, whose word saved the king, stands at Haman's house, fifty cubits high." The King ordered Haman's execution, so "they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai" (Esther 7:9-10). Other characters from the story of Esther are featured in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories. The King is included as "X is for Xerxes." Haman's sons are mentioned in "V is for Vaizatha." Thomas: After completing some of the more time-consuming illustrations (like G is for Goliath), this illustration was a much appreciated assignment.

G is Goliath, the champion of Gath. He should have known not to face David's wrath. Portia: The battle between David and Goliath is a favorite children's Bible story. Most editors wouldn't think of leaving it out. Nearly all leave out this part of the story, however: "David ran and stood over the Philistine; David grasped Goliath's sword, drew it out of is sheath, and killed him; then David cut off Goliath's head with it. When the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, they fled" 1 Samuel 17:51. Thomas: In the illustration for this story, the model for one of the world's greatest villain was actually the comic book world's greatest hero, Superman. If you pick up a copy of The Adventures of Superman #498, you'll see a striking resemblance between Tom Grummett's Superman and my Goliath.

F. The False Prophet of Revelation, Doomed to dwell in flames and perspiration. Portia: Revelation 19:20 describes the ends of the false prophet and beast of Revelation: "And the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who had performed in its presence the signs by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshiped its image. These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with sulfur." Thomas: Anticipating this cartoon, I posted on Facebook: Need to write and draw a Far Side-style single panel cartoon featuring the False Prophet of Revelation getting thrown into a lake of burning fire. And it should be funny. Oh, the life of a pastor.... I am pleased with how this turned out. The cartoon in Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories is the "Sunday Funnies" version. Here is the "daily comics" version:

E is for Eglon, a massive man, he. Struck with a sword in his giant belly. Portia: This story is so full of detail, I am going to ask you to read it in its entirety. Here is Judges 3:12-25 from the New Revised Standard Version: The Israelites again did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD strengthened King Eglon of Moab against Israel, because they had done what was evil in the sight of the LORD.   In alliance with the Ammonites and the Amalekites, he went and defeated Israel; and they took possession of the city of palms.   So the Israelites served King Eglon of Moab eighteen years. But when the Israelites cried out to the LORD, the LORD raised up for them a deliverer, Ehud son of Gera, the Benjaminite, a left- handed man. The Israelites sent tribute by him to King Eglon of Moab.   Ehud made for himself a sword with two edges, a cubit in length; and he fastened it on his right thigh under his clothes.   Then he presente...

D is for Devil. The Dragon. The Liar. Tormented fore'er in brimstone and fire. Portia: In Revelation 12, we hear of the great dragon.... that ancient serpent, who is called the Devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world (v 9). Later, in Revelation 20, the devil is thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur, to be tormented day and night forever and ever (v. 10). Thomas: The image of the dragon and the fire were carved as rubber stamps. I made multiple impressions of the dragon without re-inking the stamp, giving the dragon heads different shades of gray. The various shades of gray may imply the passage of time, as the dragon's power fades.

C. Children taunted: "Elisha is bald!" When hungry bears came, the kids were all mauled. Portia: My couplet captures the gist of the story, but 2 Kings 2:23-24 goes into a little more detail: "Some small boys came out of the city and jeered at Elisha, saying, 'Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!' When he turned around and saw them, he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys." Thomas: The illustration for this story is done in the style of children's illustrator (and author) Richard Scarry. Scarry's book Cars and Trucks and Things That Go has been a favorite at our house for years. Young readers are challenged to find "Goldbug" on each two-page spread. Can you find Goldbug fleeing from the she-bears?

B. King Belshazzar, whose death was at "hand." Slain in the night, Darius took o'er his land. Portia: When it comes to stories in Daniel, Daniel in the Lions' Den is surely the best known. After that, I would say The Fiery Furnace. The third most famous story in Daniel is likely Belshazzar's Feast: "King Belshazzar made a great festival for a thousand of his lords, and he was drinking wine in the presence of the thousand. Under the influence of the wine, Belshazzar commanded that they bring in the vessels of gold and silver that his father Nebuchadnezzar had taken out of the temple in Jerusalem, so that the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines might drink from them. So they brought in the vessels of gold and silver that had been taken out of the temple, the house of God in Jerusalem, and the king and his lords, his wives, and his concubines drank from them. They drank the wine and praised the gods of gold and silver, bronze, iro...

A is Agrippa, of the Herod bunch. Eaten by worms, he made a tasty lunch. Portia: It is difficult to keep track of all the Herods in the Bible.  There is Herod the Great, who sought to destroy young Jesus and instead “killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under” (Matthew 2:16).  After Herod the Great died, his son Herod Archelaus ruled Judea in his place (Matthew 2:22). Another son of Herod the Great, Herod Antipas ruled Galilee as Herod the Tetrarch. Antipas, manipulated by his wife Herodias and her daughter, ordered the beheading of John the Baptist (Matthew 14). Antipas also met Jesus, hoping to see him perform a sign (Luke 23). Herod Agrippa II is mentioned in Acts 26, giving audience to the Apostle Paul. While many of the Herods meet the villainous requirement for Gruesome and Gorey Bible Stories, Herod Agrippa I , grandson of Herod the Great, was chosen for his gruesome demise. This member of the Herod bunch "laid vi...